Have you ever used someone else’s life as a measuring stick
for your own? Do you sometimes engage in
what I call toxic-comparison-disorder (TCD)
where one consciously, subconsciously, and sometimes neurotically and
impulsively compares themselves to other people? Do you often feel a need to be someone other
than your authentic self when you are around other people? I do not know your answers or responses to
these questions but I postulate that many people, if being honest, would
answer, “Yes,” to most of these questions, if not all.
Being your authentic self can be a beautiful experience. “When you’re proud to be who you are, you don’t
try to be something else,” (Johnson) .
There are ways to reach and maintain
this point of being proud to be who you soulfully are but, “…sometimes not
knowing [a] way, [it] feels like [this current state] is just how I am,” (Mooji, 2018) . The process of self-discovery is not
esoteric. “You don’t have to have a
bunch of degrees and titles and have a bunch of knowledge to be [your authentic
self],” (W. Henry
Gregory) ,
but “The secret is in the seeking,” (Puri) .
It is unfortunate that within [at least] American society,
we are rarely encouraged and/or taught to go on the voyage of
self-discovery. Instead of being
earnestly directed to the existential path of finding out who we soulfully are,
we are handed an existential costume
and manipulated into believing that it is better to wear the costume of someone
and/or something else than to be yourself. The beginning of the actualization process of
this idea can usually be noticed around the adolescent stage of life (about 12
to 18 years of age) when many American adolescence and teens become heavily
influenced by their peers. However, children during their earlier stages
of development (pre-adolescence) are usually unapologetically themselves, behaviorally speaking. They say what is on their mind, they express
their raw feelings and emotions about things, they may tell you what clothes
and shoes they want to wear for the day (even if it makes no coordinating sense
[to adults]), etc.. They appear to be
more comfortable in themselves than many older kids and adults. When we reach middle school and high school,
all of a sudden some of us have some sort of developmental culture shock and
are traumatized by the opinions of other people (peers) and societal norms that
may not be congruent with who we soulfully are.
Out angst, terror, and fear of rejection from our peers and society,
what do most people then do in some shape, form, or ‘fashion’? They acquiesce to putting on a costume and
pretend to be someone or something that they are not.
As a professional counselor, I notice many people struggling
with the feeling of being insecure.
These same people are more likely to answer “Yes,” to the first three
questions within the blog. I hear things
like, “Everybody else is so happy and they have their sh*t together,” or “I
feel like I shouldn’t be so insecure because everyone else I see is so
confident.” I always validate people’s
worldviews, whether I agree with them or not.
However, I strongly disagree with the idea that most people are
confident, secure, happy, and self-loving.
I believe that the majority of people in our [American] society have a
stronger connection with doubt, insecurity, weakness, cowardice, unhappiness,
and self-hatred than they do the adverse of each of these things. However, since it can be terrifying to expose
our flaws and insecurities to others for the fear of being judged or
embarrassed, people are more likely to throw on those costumes as a way to
protect themselves from the external world.
I am empathetic to these fears, but we should also gain an experiential
understanding and become aware of, “…the difference between the wounded self
and the true self. Your true self is the
person that you are beyond the fear,” (Smith, 2006) . In the book, The 50th Law, the authors encourage the reader to
embrace who they truly are and not fear their soulful uniqueness. In addition to this, I encourage you to
reflect upon the Ethiopian Proverb that says: ‘One who tries to hide with a
dog, a child, a goat, or a person with a cold, will not remain hidden.’
The reality is that there is a great possibility that some
of people who you may be measuring your life against or comparing yourself to,
are struggling with the similar insecurities and issues that you are…or, they
may have a situation that is worse.
I once heard someone who had previously been struggling with suicidal
and homicidal ideation say, “People think that I’m so confident but the
confidence they see on the outside of me isn’t what I feel inside of me. And I’m sure other people probably experience
this fakeness in themselves too.” This transparent self-disclosure eludes
to the existential costumes that, “…we buy to cover up what’s inside,” (West, 2004) . Rather than let others become aware of one’s
internal insecurities and conflicts, people may present themselves as genuinely charismatic – which could be
masking mental health issues, supremely
confident – which may be cloaking self-esteem issues, etc.. They are wearing a costume! For the sake of
this blog, let us assume that my PerspectVe with this particular segment of this
piece is credible and valid; and let us then ask the question, why would you ever compare yourself to a
costume? Something that is fake,
phony, unreal, and disingenuous.
Something that is…not…you. I
don’t know though; maybe you have good reason to do compare yourself to an
illusion. I do acknowledge that
sometimes, for various reasons, wearing the costume is beneficial. I am not certain that is healthy to make a
lifestyle out of the costume. What sense
does it make in comparing yourself to someone or something that, underneath the
surface of their presentation, is in the same, similar, or worse situation than
you? One of the salient problems is that
many of us have been conditioned to believe that pouring other people’s lives into our soul will bring us fulfillment. It is as if the human mind goes through a
manipulated psychological training course that results in “The individualized
consciousness [perceiving] what it thinks it perceives on account of its
conditioning. On account of ignorance,
when the notion of an ego-self arises, at that very moment, the delusion…also arises,” (Chopra, 2014) .
I remember years ago at a Halloween party everyone in the
party was dressed up except for three people.
On separate occasions, I heard each of them get asked by others in
costumes, “Why didn’t you dressed up?” They all responded, “Because I didn’t want to
[dress up this Halloween].” It was as if
many of the people who WERE dressed up – were disturbed by those who WERE NOT. This is exactly what happens in real life;
society has created an existential
collective costume among people. The
individuals and groups wearing them are confused or disturbed by the people who
have chosen not to wear a costume while ultimately being their soulful selves
[as much as possible].
Wearing that costume for long periods is tough. Think about it literally and
emblematically. Wearing a mask gets hot
after a while. Air circulation can
become limited and stress may increase because “your” oxygen is being stymied
and subdued by the f*cking mask. In the
movie In Hell (what a symbolically
perfect name in relation to this blog, lol), character 451 says, “Most of us
know the mask we hide behind is bullsh*t…Sooner or later it shatters. That’s when you find out the [person] you
really are.” Still, people feel the need
to wear the mask despite it being harmful to their wellbeing. I have reflected on the idea that experienced
suicidal ideation may not be the desire to kill oneself, but the desire to kill
off the mask/costume and experienced homicidal ideation may not be to murder
another soul but to kill off elements of the collective costume. Or, to possibly kill off the part of the existential
self that is allowing the costume to unnecessarily be worn. Thus, one’s human soul may not desire to die,
murder, or kill but to live freely and authentic to the soul. Remember that we are souls having a human
experience and the human experience is the natural costume for the soul in this
life. Right now, your soul is experiencing
[Your First Name] [Your Middle Name] [Your Last Name], and if you are not authentic
to who you are you may miss the beautiful experience of being YOU – strengths, powers, flaws and all. “Just as fish cannot leave the deep, one must
never stray from ones true nature,” (Ni, 1995) . Though
it may be true that, “…we don’t [always] fill out our uniforms as well
as we should[,]…You must learn to salute the uniform God has given us even if
you believe it is six sizes too big,” (Priolo,
n.d.) .
My colleague recently said, “Halloween is probably the only
day of the year that a lot of people don’t wear costumes. All of the other days, they do,” (Edwards, 2019) . We all have certain nightmares, fears, and
things that scare us. I must say though,
in the spirit of Halloween, I am not convinced that anything scares me more
than going to the grave not authentically experiencing this perfectly imperfect
person named Shawn.
Happy Halloween and Happier Life.
#ExpandYourPerspectVe
PerspectVe.com / PerspectVeLLC@yahoo.com
Instagram: @PerspectVeLLC
Twitter: @PerspectVe_LLC
Facebook: Facebook.com/PerspectVeLLC
© Shawn Coleman October 11, 2019
Unconventional Stress Management and Resilience Coaching: The portal to authentic happiness and optimal wellbeing.
References
Chopra, D. (2014, January 09). deepak chopra -
The Secret of Healing - Meditations For Transformation and Higher
Consciousness. Retrieved from YouTube:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uin2q_hEHlU
Edwards, D. I. (2019, October 2019). Licensed
Clinical Psychologist. (S. Coleman, Interviewer)
Johnson, D. U. (n.d.).
Mooji. (2018, March 11). What Does It Mean To Be
Egoless? Retrieved from YouTube:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lmH8SIM4A1g
Ni, H. C. (1995). The Complete Works of Lao Tzu: Tao
Teh Ching & Hau Hu Ching. Sevenstar Communications; Revised edition
(1995).
Priolo, L. (n.d.). Lou Priolo Biblical Counseling.
Retrieved from https://loupriolo.com/how-to-deal-with-disrespectul-teenagers/
Puri, I. (n.d.).
Smith, D. R. (2006). Lies at the Altar: The Truth
About Great Marriages. Hyperion; First Edition edition (May 9, 2006).
W. Henry Gregory, J. P. (n.d.).
West, K. (2004). All Falls Down [Recorded by K.
West].
